Oh, hey, you must be Michael.
Yup.
It’s a pleasure to meet you finally.
Uhh, you too I guess. Who are you again?
Just someone who’ll be interviewing you, that’s all.
And why are you interviewing me?
I’ll tell you that much later. Why don’t we focus on the interview right now?
Okay, shoot.
Let’s start with your name.
But we’ve already covered this? I’m Michael.
Michael Jackson?
Fuck no!
Ahah, okay, full name please.
Shit, I’m sorry. Michael Salvatore Terranova.
That’s quite a mouthful. Not American, are you?
What, are you going to throw me out of the country if I’m not?
Is that sarcasm?
How’d you figure?
… Just answer the original question.
Okay, then yes. I am American.
What’s with the name?
I’m also Italian…
Ah, okay, that makes sense. You’ve got the accent.
Yes, and I’m German too.
Are you anything else?
Well, not that I know of.
Okay. How old are you?
I’m seventeen.
When’s your birthday?
October 21.
Are you looking forward to getting anything special on your birthday?
Yea, my dad’s going to get me a car.
Do you not already have one?
No.
Why is that?
I couldn’t afford one before.
And you can now?
No, but my dad offered to buy me one anyway.
Why’d he do that?
You ask a lot of questions…
It’s kind of my job.
That sounds like a boring job.
Tell me about it. Now, answer the question.
Okay. Well, I’m an athlete.
What does that have to do with your dad buying you a car?
I got a scholarship.
Ohh, okay. He must be proud of you.
Yea, he is.
Who are your parents, anyway?
My mom is Celeste Kramer and my dad is Alessandro Terranova.
What do they do for a living?
My mom’s a homemaker and my dad works at a furniture store.
It sounds like your family would be pretty well off on money.
We get around.
Hmm. So, what’s up with the separate last names?
My parents are divorced. My mom went back to using her maiden name.
I’m sorry.
Oh, I don’t mind. They still live together.
What— why do they still live together?
They thought it’d ruin things for my brother and me if they split us up. Didn’t want us to have to go through what the other kids with divorced parents go through, or something like that. They think we don’t know that they’re not together anymore, but we do.
Do they get along?
Yea, they’re just friends now.
Why’d they split up?
My mom fell out of love with my father. That’s all I know about it.
How do you deal with it?
I try not to think about it often. The sports I play help me deal with my stress.
What sports do you play, Michael?
I’m on the varsity Track & Field team. I play baseball, soccer, and I swim.
Which one got you a scholarship?
Soccer did.
You must be good if you got a scholarship.
I am!
So, you said you have a little brother…
I do.
What’s his name?
Josiah.
Oh! What a lovely name. How old is he?
He turned ten just last month.
Awh, how cute is that. Does he play sports too?
No, he doesn’t…
What does he do, then?
He draws. He’s quite the fruitcake, if you ask me. But he’s a magnificent drawer, for someone his age, anyway.
What is he best at drawing?
I don’t know. He likes dinosaurs. He can draw those really well.
Is he going to be an artist when he grows up?
I wouldn’t be surprised.
Do you have any other siblings?
No, Josie’s the only one.
Oh, okay.
Were you expecting me to?
I wasn’t expecting anything…
Sure.
What grade are you in?
I’m in the eleventh grade.
How’s that going?
I’m a straight-A student. How do you think its going?
What’s your best subject?
PE.
…Okay, what’s your best subject besides PE?
Does lunch count?
No.
Damn, okay, uh, English Literature.
So you like to write.
And read.
That’s interesting.
…
What’s your sexuality?
Huh?
Do you like boys?
No!
Are you sure?
Yes… I think.
You “think”?
I like to guess.
So you’re bicurious.
No.
Are you bisexual?
No.
Gay?
No.
What the f— Are you straight?
Maybe I am.
You’re impossible.
Bingo!
Gosh. How tall are you?
I’m six-one, even.
How much do you weigh?
Ha! As if, I’m going to tell you.
Are you sensitive about your weight or something?
Not really, I’m just being stubborn.
I see. What colour is your hair?
Can you not see it?
No, I can. But for the people that read this…
Wait, what people are going to see this?
Just answer the question, Michael.
-Sigh- Okay, my hair is blonde.
Is it naturally?
No, I dyed it.
What is your natural hair colour?
I’m a brunette.
Why’d you dye it?
I didn’t like how the brown looked.
Okay. What colour are your eyes?
Dark brown.
Do you wear glasses or contacts?
Neither. I have perfect vision.
Do you have any piercings or tattoos?
No, that’s gross.
How is it gross?
I don’t like needles very much.
Ah, okay. Do you have any, uh, nicknames?
You’re a little late to be asking me about names.
I forgot to ask it later. Just answer the question.
Okay, yes. I have a bunch of nicknames.
Like what?
Mikey, Mike, Terra, Nova, Flash, Sal… you get the idea.
Hmm. What’s up with ‘Flash’?
I’m a fast runner.
How fast are you?
Fast enough that people call me ‘Flash.’
Where were you born?
Cincinnati, Ohio. Go Bengals!
Ahah. Do you have a girlfriend?
Uhm, no, I don’t.
Have you ever had one?
Yes, actually, I have.
What happened to your last one?
She died.
Oh, I’m so sorry. Uh, how did that happen, if you don’t mind me asking?
She was a druggie. She overdosed.
That must be hard on you.
It is, but she was never around, anyway. I just try not to think about it.
Okay. Have you ever had a boyfriend?
Fuck no! I’m not gay.
I thought you said you weren’t sure?
I never said that.
But you wouldn’t tell me which you were earlier…?
And your point is?
You’re impossible.
We’ve already gone over this.
Yes, we have.
Anyway, what’s your next question?
What kind of things do you like?
I like many things.
List some examples, please.
Okay, uhh… I like Fanta, playing sports, warm weather, cooking, snow days, laughing, fuzzy dogs, dancers, swimming, early mornings, double shot espresso, watching movies, and animals.
Why do you like dancers?
You have no idea how many times people have asked me that question. I just like the art of dancing. It’s… beautiful, to put it simply.
Do you dance?
No, I suck at dancing. I just like watching it.
Okay. What are some of your dislikes?
Druggies, bugs, bitchy girls, shy people, change, carelessness, piercings, needles, apathy, laziness, math, when my games get canceled, losing, death, and leather.
If you had to stereotype yourself, which would you say you are?
I’m prep or jock, no doubt.
What’s your biggest pet peeve?
Fidgeting, it annoys the hell out of me.
Do you have fears?
What human being doesn’t?
What are some of yours?
I’m afraid of failure, death, and needles. I have more than that, but those are the biggest ones.
How would you define your personality?
Ha! Hmm, let’s see. To put it simply: I’m protective, very talkative, independent, random, stubborn, and strong-willed. I like to annoy people, too.
Are you religious?
No, I’m not really. I’m a bit of an agnostic. I don’t follow any specific religion.
That’s interesting.
I like Pastafarianism.
Huh?
All hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
What the fuck is that?
I don’t know.
Okayy… Uh, I think we’re done here.
Can I go?
Yeah, but first, do you have any last words for your readers?
Don’t do drugs! Bow down before the almighty FSM! Live long and prosper!
Goodbye!
img (c) ricky james seamon